


The Void

by Mister_Spock



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2019-10-13 15:38:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17490671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Spock/pseuds/Mister_Spock
Summary: With relations between Kirk & Spock non-existant and the 5-year mission over, everyone is ready to go their own way when an incident pushes relationships to breaking point and creates a void that must be filled.COMPLETE





	1. Prologue

There was excitement but also some trepidation on board The Enterprise. 

The 5-year mission was coming to an end. They had braved and explored the far reaches of the galaxy and there was a certain amount of anxiety within the crew. They did not know where they would go next. Would there ever be a mission like this again? Who of them would not return for another voyage if they were permitted another adventure? 

The crew were packing up as they approached Earth, now only three days away. For many people on board, they were looking forward to returning home, either to Earth itself or from Earth's hub to their own planet. The crew had planned some last meals together. Departments getting together and stories being shared. There were tears but also a lot of fond happy memories to go with them. 

The bridge crew were in the midst of their own. 

Nyota Uhura came over to where Spock had seated himself for the duration of the evening not having moved once. “Hey,” she greeted. Spock turned to her, his face the perfect Vulcan mask. He merely nodded at her. “I made sure they had some Vulcan bites for you, in case you wanted to eat anything,” she said and popped the plate down on the table beside him. 

“Thank you,” he replied and turned from her and the food to continue staring at whatever he had been looking at before her arrival. 

Nyota moved away and sat alone, watching Spock from a distance. She hated to see Spock like this and knew that she was partially to blame. Having a connection to the bridge crew had always helped Spock keep his human side open and more receptive. She knew they had all withdrawn from him, not through spite but through fear of disrupting Spock's mind and once he had responded in kind to their distance, it seemed it was impossible to make him open up to them again. 

Spock had isolated himself so completely from everyone on the ship. Not only the humans but all species. And the more he'd withdrawn into himself, the more Vulcan he seemed to become. Before, you could tell there was that human part to him, but not any more. He had hidden that part away so thoroughly you would never know it was there. She had always felt Spock's emotions were just under the surface, a small smile could easily play upon his lips. Now, she felt his face would crack if he even dared to try.  
The isolation was bad enough, but he had lost weight. Not an alarming amount by any means, but enough to pinch his cheeks ever so slightly. His uniform seemed to hang a little looser.  
McCoy had acknowledged it when she had asked him about it but he'd told her Spock was still reporting a healthy weight and there was nothing he could do about it officially. 

Chekov walked past Spock's table and absently picked up the plate of food and started to eat them and then passed them around. She rolled her eyes in annoyance before realising that Spock wasn't going to eat them, no matter how many plates she piled beside him. 

Sulu sat down on the table with Spock once Chekov had moved away. Of all of them, he seemed to be able to get the best response from Spock, although it was still hard work. “So Commander, are you looking forward to returning to Earth?”

“No,” Spock replied frankly. “I shall look forward to returning to New Vulcan.”

“Of course,” Sulu said. “I'm hoping you can stay a couple of days.”

“Why?”

“Ben and I were going to have a bit of a celebration. I was hoping you'd be there,” Sulu said. He shrugged nervously. “If you can't, you can't.” 

Spock considered the request. “I can delay for two days. It will be no hardship.” 

Sulu brightened at the news. “Oh great. Well, you can stay with me if you like-”

“No need. My Mother had a place on Earth. I shall stay there. It is in San Francisco so I will not have to travel far.”

“Okay, that's great. If you'll excuse me, I need the restroom.” Sulu walked along and clapped a hand on McCoy's shoulder as he passed. The doctor offered a small smile. He too was paying more attention to the Vulcan than anything else.  
Or more precisely, he was watching what exactly had enthralled the Vulcan the whole evening. 

He was watching a couple sat at the next table. They seemed to be fairly drunk and didn't notice their audience. Two females, one sat on the other's lap. They were clearly a couple and McCoy noted himself they weren't unattractive but that certainly wouldn't be the reason why Spock would be watching them.  
It had taken him a while to realise why Spock was watching them.  
But eventually, he realised what exactly it was. The pair were holding hands. Or if they weren't they were entwining their fingers together or doing some other mushy couple things. And it took McCoy a while to notice, but where Spock' hands were clasped underneath the table he would mimic the way the couple interlocked their fingers or held one another's hands. 

McCoy thought it was just about the most tragically sad thing he had seen.  
Spock was desperately missing human contact but the closest people to him all knew terrible secrets about him that not even Spock was privy too. If Spock were to find out what had happened to him on the Red Planet, let alone that his own Father had erased his memory and all the crew were in on it too, he'd be more of a basket case than he'd ever been before. 

Jim came and sat down beside his friend. “Hey, we've got some business to clear up. While everyone's busy with the party, let's go sort it out, okay?”

McCoy nodded and followed Jim out of the room. Once they had gone, Spock waited approximately 16 more minutes before he also departed. He had to go to the bridge crews departing 'get together' however, he found that it was acceptable for someone to stay for two hours as a polite and acceptable level of time spent at such a function. One hour would be too short, so it seemed and although Spock would have preferred to go earlier, he picked a time that seemed to please more.  
He did not say good evening to any of the crew as he left. He was certain none of them would even notice he had departed.

RECAP:  
In 'All that you can't leave behind,' Spock is abducted and kept a prisoner of the Red Planet where he is tortured sadistically and repetitively mentally, physically and sexually, using a device that will not allow Spock to die from his injuries, but he can remember them. Eventually rescued, it becomes apparent that Spock cannot overcome his trauma and returns to the Red Planet in hope of using the device to correct what happened to him. After Spock, Sulu and Scotty are kept prisoners for a short time, they eventually are rescued by the rest of the crew. 

Sarek makes a decision to erase Spock's memories of what happened to him. He emplores Uhura to terminate her relationship with Spock and as the rest of the bridge crew start to keep their distance to ensure Spock doesn't find out the truth about what happened to him, they find themselves isolating the very person they are trying to protect.  
The story ends with relationships between Spock and the others on very bad terms, with Spock feeling completely alone and starting to shut down from his friends.


	2. Chapter 2

Spock looked around the now mostly empty quarters. 

The Vulcan items he had displayed in his quarters had been packed away. They would be one of the first personal items of any of the crew to be beamed to Earth due to the rarity and value of them. Spock had already decided he would donate the valuable items to New Vulcan and if he returned into space he would take replica items instead. He did not need the authentic items with him. They just meant too much to his people to risk again. 

His quarters now looked like any other room on the ship. He had one small bag to take with him which carried his most personal items which he would not trust to be left with any other, the value was that great. His eyes swept across the room again. 'Just checking' he told himself although he felt some sadness departing the room. He picked up a box that was on his bed and tucked it under his arm, also picking up the small bag as he left.   
He headed towards the rec room where any donated items were to go. Spock dropped in the box and headed to the labs to ensure everything there was shut down. 

It was impeccable, as he expected. The labs were run well and he'd left the shut down to some of his trusted colleagues. They'd done as he expected and he did a walk through anyway to ensure everything was as he wanted it. He found nothing out of place and signed off the shut down on the PADD. Kirk would likely check it himself as well as he, like Spock, liked to do the final checks himself.   
At a previous time, he might have left the checkoff to Spock but the distance between them wasn't just personal. It was affecting their working relationship. Spock had seen Kirk double check enough of his data to know he didn't have the trust in him he once did. He felt dismayed at that but that was how it was. He did not intend to work with Kirk again now that the mission was over so it had no bearing on him. 

With one last glance around the labs, Spock left them and prepared to leave the ship. 

~

Kirk was receiving the last of the sections sign off's. Each head of the department was in charge of ensuring that the departments they ran were shut down and each head would also check that the living quarters were left in appropriate condition. 

Jim didn't check the quarters himself, not unless an issue was reported, but he did check each section. McCoy's sickbay got the all clear. Just engineering and the science labs left and as the science labs were closest, he decided to do them first.   
He was a little concerned by what he might find in engineering. He had visions of Mr Scott having decided to do some last minute alterations. As he walked into the science labs, everything seemed to be in order. He made his way through each lab and it wasn't until he got to lab 5 that he became aware of a soft buzzing. He checked with the ship's computer but it found nothing wrong with any of the equipment in the room. Kirk started to try and locate the sound himself. 

Eventually, he located it, pulling out a strange, cylinder from underneath one of the work units. He had no idea what it was and decided he should call Spock to have a look at it. 

~

McCoy had departed the ship earlier than some of the other head of departments had. He had one patient who was fairly sick and had ensured they were settled into the local medical facility. 

Once he was done ensuring the doctor was up to speed on all the information he checked the time. Jim should have finished on the ship by now. They had arranged to meet up for some drinks later so McCoy headed to the hotel they were checked in to. He had a couple of drinks and sent a message to Jim to 'Hurry the hell up,'. 

When he got a call, he assumed it was going to be Jim and was a little surprised to see it was Scotty. “Scotty?”

“Doctor, there's been an accident. It's Jim.”


	3. Chapter 3

McCoy wasn't used to being the one in the waiting room. 

Despite every effort to get some news faster using his position, nothing seemed to be forthcoming and he was left to wait.   
Every now and then he'd get a message from one of the crew as word started to spread about an incident. He ignored them all. He'd called Sulu not long after he found out himself and had told him what had happened. He'd kept him up to date and asked if he could keep everyone in the loop. Sulu had been only too happy to do what he could and promised he'd be visiting himself soon enough. 

He'd been getting updates from Scotty about what had caused Kirk's injuries. It was a piece of lab equipment that had malfunctioned and it seemed to be a case of bad timing on Kirk's part. He had picked it up just as the thing had exploded. The only thing that Scotty had mentioned was that it was that the device that exploded was one of ten the labs had and they were usually kept together. It was odd that it had been left where Kirk found it but it didn't appear to have been tampered with in any way.

Scotty had also checked to see who had been in the labs last. Five staff had been attending to closing down the labs, Spock had checked them off and Kirk had been there to finalise. No one else had entered.   
When McCoy heard the news, he instantly asked why Spock hadn't noticed a piece of equipment not in its correct place. Scotty explained the item had been put out of sight and it wouldn't be necessary for either Kirk or Spock to have looked over every piece of equipment that was put away. McCoy knew that as well, but he was upset about Kirk and wanted to have someone to blame. The fact that Kirk had it in his hand at the time it exploded seemed to indicate that he was looking for it and it must have been making noise while it malfunctioned.   
McCoy asked Scotty to keep him updated if he found out anything else and he promised to keep the engineer updated on Kirk as well. 

He sighed. He hated waiting. 

~

Amanda had decided to keep the small apartment in San Francisco even after her marriage to Sarek. 

While they were always offered a suite if they returned to Earth for any duties Sarek had, she had told her husband that she wanted a piece of herself on her own planet that she could come and be as human as she wanted. Sarek had told Spock how odd and human he found it, but he didn't protest. 

For a while after her death, Sarek had considered removing Amanda's things and allowing someone else to have the apartment. Spock had offered to box his mother's possessions up while on earth and Sarek had agreed but Spock had never been able to do it and Sarek decided that it would not hurt to keep the building as Amanda had wanted it. 

As Spock used his key card to enter, the first thing he noticed was how stuffy it was. He turned the air conditioning on and opened the window in the bedroom. 

He was always taken with how homey it felt. Not like where he grew up with his parents on Vulcan. It was perfectly sparse living space for a Vulcan child with items to stimulate his intellect. But this place felt like what he wanted his home to be. It felt warm and inviting, loving and nurturing. Then he realised how much he needed to be there right now. He needed something a little bit human just for a little while. 

Heading for the spare bedroom, Spock stripped off his uniform and put on the bedclothes he had purchased on his way to the apartment. He made the bed and slipped under the duvet, not realising how tired he truly was. 

Sleep came quickly. And his communicator remained off while he slept. 

~

“Unbelievable,” McCoy said. 

“What is?” Uhura asked as she came up to him. 

“Your ex. I can't get hold of him. Haven't been able to get a message through to him.” 

“He wouldn't ignore you on purpose. He must be busy.” 

“Doing what?

“I don't know. But I know Spock wouldn't just blank you. He wouldn't do that to anyone so stop thinking bad things about him.” 

McCoy sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “I'm not. I just wish he was here being logically calm so I could shout at him.” 

“Yeah, I bet he's sorry he's missing that,” Nyota replied sarcastically. 

“Where do you think he is?” 

“Maybe he's got a meeting with Starfleet. Although they'd know about Jim and I'm sure someone would have told him. Speaking of Jim, have you had any news yet?”

“Nothing.” 

“Really? It's been hours.”

“That's what's worrying me.” 

“I'll wait with you.” 

~

Spock felt better when he finally woke. He clearly had needed the rest and his body was grateful for it. 

He showered, dressed and started to prepare himself a breakfast. He switched his comm unit on busied himself with his breakfast. When he returned to the device, he was surprised by the number of messages waiting for him.   
His appetite vanished as he read through several and started to gather that something had happened. 

He left the apartment without eating a thing.


	4. Chapter 4

When Spock reached the hospital he was directed to the area where Jim was receiving treatment. He enquired on Jim's condition with a nurse running the ward. She checked on her PADD. “Okay, the patient was admitted several hours ago with some serious burns and damage to his face and chest. We've had a specialist team with him, minimalising long term damage. There's going to be some extensive physical wounds, especially on his face. We're confident that we can regrow the damaged area and it will look flawless, but we have to wait for the damaged tissue and muscle to heal before we can repair it. When it's something this noticeable, we have to make sure the area will end up being as flawless as possible.”

Spock nodded and considered the words. “How extensive is the damage?” 

“There's a lot of work to do. We're talking exposed bone in some areas- both facially and on his body.” 

“What's the expected healing time?”

“I think Doctor Saunders is expecting to start work in two to three weeks depending on how the natural healing goes.” 

“Thank you, Nurse. Will I be able to see him?”

“Shortly. If you'd like to wait in the room to your right and I'll get someone to come and get you when he's ready for visitors.” 

Spock nodded and headed into the room. 

Inside, McCoy and Uhura, who were seated looked up as Spock entered. 

“About time you got here,” McCoy griped. 

“I apologise. I did not receive my communications until recently. I came as soon as I heard.” 

“I suppose the fact you turned up is enough,” McCoy reasoned. “Even if it took you forever.” 

Spock bit back a response, instead, he focused on his conversation with the nurse. “It sounds like the Captain is in good hands and his prognosis is positive, would you agree, Doctor?”

“How would I know, they haven't- wait, they told you some news?”

“I asked the nurse,” Spock replied. 

“Are you kidding me? I've been here all this time and they tell me nothing and the second you turn up you get the full report?” McCoy bellowed furiously. He headed out of the room and Nyota and Spock could hear him yelling. 

“He's not mad at you,” Nyota offered. 

Spock thought back to their recent service on the ship and how McCoy often fought him on anything he said over the past few months. He said nothing though. He did not want to pursue the matter. 

Nyota filled Spock in on the circumstances of Jim being injured and Spock told her what the nurse had said about his prognosis. 

“So where have you been? It's not like you to be out of contact for so long.” Nyota asked.

“I simply switched the communicator off for a while. I wished for some peace.” 

“I guess that was bad timing.” 

“Indeed.” 

~

McCoy was the first to go and see Jim, and God help anyone who tried to get in before him. 

He'd been warned that it wasn't pretty but they were confident Jim would be fine with some time, but it still was a shock to see it for himself. There was a mask covering the lower half of Jim's face, the nose down to his jaw was completely covered. There were patches of damaged skin on his neck and torso, the worst was covered but he could see enough. He looked at the notes and was able to imagine what lay beneath the fabric covering the horrors beneath. 

He stayed and talked to Jim for some time while his friend and Captain lay silent and still on the bed. It bought back memories of Khan and Jim's death- something he did not want to think about.   
He left Jim's room in a sour mood. He opened the door and was greeted with the sight of Spock's back. He initially thought that Spock was waiting anxiously to get in to see Jim, but then realised that the Vulcan was using his personal communicator. McCoy froze as Spock started to speak. 

“Yes father, I know I agreed to come to New Vulcan however I have been delayed temporarily. I shall endeavour to be there within a day or two.”

There must have been more to the conversation but the rage in McCoy's head blotted it out. When Spock turned, he was ready for him. “So this whole Jim getting hurt thing is just an inconvenience to you, huh?” McCoy started. 

“Doctor-” Spock attempted to placate the man but he was not prepared to listen. 

“Rather go back home to Daddy and hide all those feelings away with the others robots. Well, you know what? Nobody is gonna stop you. We're all just glad the missions over so we don't have to be around you and that sour face every day.” 

Spock did not try and defend himself from McCoy's words again. Clearly, McCoy was not going to listen and was on the attack. So Spock felt the best course of action was to leave. He turned and began to walk away but McCoy wasn't done.

“Hey, I'm not finished with you,” he said, following Spock. “You know what I find odd? That Jim's accident happened in the science labs. Who checked those over before Jim did? Oh hey, it was you.” McCoy grabbed for Spock and spun him around so they were eye to eye again. “Did you want to make Captain and make your Daddy proud? Except you know you don't hold a candle to Jim and the only way you could do it is to take him out!”

“Doctor, stop,” Spock warned. 

“You're a cold being, Spock. Your friends abandoned you, your girlfriend dumped. And your Mother-” McCoy stopped short of saying anything more aware of a line he was about to cross and could not go back from it. He took a sharp intake of breath. “The one thing your girlfriend and your friends have in common is they're human. And you're not. So maybe it's time you went back to your own kind.” 

And with that McCoy left. 

~

Spock didn't recall much of trip back to the apartment. 

He was angry. McCoy had pushed him to the brink and Spock was certain if he'd spoken a word about his Mother he would not have been able to control his actions.   
But the fact McCoy had said so many vicious untruths and that he had considered using Spock's mother against him in such a vile way had pushed Spock. He needed to meditate to regain some composure and to organise his feelings and control them.   
He did not dare speak to anyone on his way back for fear he may react in an inappropriate way. 

Once inside he locked the door and threw his communicator across the room with such force it smashed on impact. He could not have stopped the sob from escaping from him if he tried.   
The months of isolation on the Enterprise had been hard to deal with after such a long time of acceptance but he'd dealt with it before and he could deal with it again. 

He could not fathom out why Nyota had ended their relationship, not really.   
In his heart, he still felt connected to her in every way yet she acted as cool as if they'd never had an intimate relationship.   
He missed Jim's camaraderie. They had managed to work together and occasionally, Jim would tease Spock about something, as he would have before, but when Jim realised he seemed to become more professional and distant. And Spock would force the hope that things would go back to how they used to be back. Tried to accept this as the new normal. 

Of all of them, McCoy was the hardest to accept. He was not any closer to the man than either Jim or Nyota, yet the level of what seemed like hatred at times towards Spock was what he found hard to reconcile. He could find no reason that the comments he made before had twisted so much, into such hateful words.   
He didn't want to be bothered by them. It reminded him of his childhood and the bullies he encountered at school, and he became weak in the face of bullies. He always had. 

That was all bad enough, but the added stress of Jim's injuries was a new unexpected burden.   
He could not understand how it had happened and doubted himself over the occurrence. Had he not heard anything when he'd been in the labs? Had he not checked the cupboard that Jim had?   
Did everyone think like McCoy and suspect him of sabotage? 

Drawn to the room without actively thinking about it, Spock opened the door to his Mother's bedroom. It was perfect.   
It was her, personified as a room. Books crammed onto a shelf with pictures of her family including himself and Sarek in frames.   
Personal items that were meaningless to him, yet that she had kept. A small stone and a shell. A novelty painted cat. A stuffed bear.   
All items that meant so much to her and that he had no clue over their significance. He wondered if his Father knew any of the stories surrounding them. He walked to the foot of the bed and sank down to his knees, pulling at the throw that covered it. He held the soft material to his face, closed his eyes and sniffed it, unsure whether he could smell his mother's familiar combination of coconut oil and almond, or if he just imagined it. 

It mattered little.   
He pulled the throw closer, hugging it and wept silently.


	5. Chapter 5

Spock woke on the floor of his Mother's old bedroom, a throw was strewn half across him. 

He had a headache. He'd been distressed yesterday and had failed on his Vulcan disciplines. He'd allowed his human side to seize control and he needed to rectify it.   
He straightened the bedroom up and headed to the shower. Once he'd freshened himself up, he cleared up the remains of the communicator he'd destroyed in his bad mood. 

He sent a message to his father letting him know that Kirk had been involved in an accident and he would remain on Earth to ensure he was well before he left for New Vulcan. He kept details vague so he could be as long as he wanted to be before travelling. He needed to improve drastically on his control before he went anywhere. 

He also checked his messages and found one from Nyota asking where he went yesterday. He assumed McCoy hadn't told them anything about the words between them and he didn't want to bring it up again, so he ignored the message. McCoy could deal with that. 

~

Nyota had seen Jim yesterday and had barely been able to sleep afterwards. 

McCoy had walked off after seeing Jim, besides from telling her the room was free if she wanted to visit and Spock had vanished altogether. She assumed he'd be the next to see Jim.   
After sitting with Jim for a while, she'd returned to the waiting room and tried to call Spock.   
It seemed as though he'd turned his communicator off again and so she sent a message to him instead. She kept it brief and to the point. 

She had hoped that some of the tension might ease between Spock and the crew after Jim's accident but the fact Spock had left without even seeing Jim wasn't a good sign. 

~

Spock spent three days meditating on and off to get himself back to an acceptable level of control. His mind had been more chaotic than he had realised. He did not want to face his father in such a state. 

He wanted to find out about Jim and decided he would call the hospital for an update. He could not stand the idea of facing McCoy, even with the control he now had. Checking the messages on his PADD he found a few more from Nyota and a couple from Sulu and Scotty. Looking through Nyota's, she had initially seemed a little angry at him for his disappearing act but then concern shone through. She gave him updates on Jim and the latest message that reached him from her let him know that Jim was showing good progress and his doctors were happy with how things were going. 

Spock sat down and typed a message back to her. He bypassed her queries on his own well being and said that he was grateful to hear of Jim's good progress. 

Deciding that he would stay a while longer on Earth, he needed to get some supplies. There was no food in the house and the toiletries his mother had here were favoured to a human. Spock headed to the nearest store where he picked up some essentials for his stay, a few bits he could make some quick meals from, some herbal tea and some more clothes. 

He was about to step into the apartment when he heard a thud and turned around to see a lady with her own groceries sprawled on the floor around her. Spock put down his own bag and helped her to gather the dropped items up, handing them to her as she apologised and called herself a fool for dropping everything. 

Once all the items were picked back up, Spock helped her to her feet. 

“I'm so sorry,” she apologised again. 

“It is quite alright,” Spock said. 

“Oh I missed one down by your feet, honey,” the lady said. 

Spock looked down and stepped to one side and sure enough, there was a box he had missed also. He retrieved it and handed it across to her, noticing then it was a type of tea that was made to replicate a tea popular on Vulcan. 

She took the item and blushed, looking away. “I feel guilty having this and there are you, a Vulcan and I've gone a replica of your tea. It doesn't seem right.” 

“You have had it before?” Spock asks. 

“Oh, I love it. My old friend who lived here used to love Vulcan stuff and she was a friend of mine for years. Introduced me to this tea. She lived right in that there apartment that you got now. She er, she moved to Vulcan so I guess she passed when, well, you know what happened to your home better than me.” 

“She was my Mother,” Spock said.

The lady brings her hand to her mouth in shock and a small inhale of breath at his revelation. “Your Amanda's little boy?” She held a hand to her heart. “Oh my! That is a turn up for the books. Listen, sweetheart, I would love to spend some time talking to you about your Momma if you have the time, but I got to be going somewhere in a little while. Are you staying long?”

“I have nowhere I have to be.”

“Oh well, that's just great. I'm away for a couple of days but when I get back, I'll dig through my old college books and pictures and I'll show you some stuff of your Momma you probably ain't ever seen.” 

“That would be most enjoyable,” Spock said. 

“Oh my, where are my manners. I haven't even introduced myself. Name's Dolly but you can just call me Dol.” 

“I think Dolly is sufficient.” 

She laughed at the comment, her smile warm and kind. “Whatever you want to call me honey, that's about fine with me.” 

“I am Spock.”

“I already know who you are, hon. Listen, I really must be going but when I come back I'm going to pop round and we'll have a good chat, okay?”

Spock nodded. “I would appreciate the time.” 

“You take care now,” she said and she headed into her own apartment, waving as she went. 

Spock picked up his own bag of groceries and headed into his Mother's apartment, pleasantly surprised by the turn of events of the day. 

Once Spock had put away the shopping he had and ate some lunch he started to search for the yearbooks he knew his mother had kept. He didn't have a surname but he was certain he could find her with just Dolly. He eventually found her.   
There were some class pictures they both appeared in but there wasn't much information about anyone in the books. Spock realises he would need someone who had been there to explain the significance of most of the book. But it was nice to see pictures of his Mother young and carefree and to have a small link to someone who knew her then. It would be nice to speak to someone about things he had never spoken to his Mother about. 

He anticipated Dolly's return. But he had a wait on his hands. He decided it would be best if he addressed the messages sent to him by the other bridge crew members to ensure there were no concerns over him.   
Perhaps he would even visit Jim.


	6. Chapter 6

The first time Jim had opened his eyes, he just remembered blinding bright white and even though he knew McCoy had been there, he remembered nothing else. Not even if they talked. 

The next time he was more together, more himself. McCoy told him about his injuries and the severity of them. Jim had asked if anyone else had been hurt and McCoy had assured him everyone else was fine. He told him his prognosis and that with time to heal he'd be fine. 

As the days passed by he was visited by all of the bridge crew but one. At first, he assumed Spock would stop by when he wasn't so busy. He assumed Spock was filing reports. But then during Sulu's visit, it became apparent that it was he who was filing the reports for Starfleet. He didn't mention Spock until Uhura's second visit. 

“So, am I that out of favour with Spock I don't even get a visit now?” Kirk asked her. He kept his voice light but the idea hurt him. 

“He's been asking after you a lot but he hasn't been to visit. I don't know why. He came down here as soon as he heard but took off before he could see you. He still cares.” 

“Got a funny way of showing it.” 

“We're the ones who changed everything. We're the ones who cut him out. We can't blame him for reacting the same.” 

“I've been thinking... that whole thing was a huge mistake.” 

Uhura didn't say anything, just looked away. 

“You don't agree?” 

“I don't know. I don't think that even if we explained what happened to him now he'd understand why we did it. I think he'd be more hurt by it.” 

“So? This isn't a better solution. At least he'd know the reason why. He's got nothing to go on.”

“Jim, you can't tell him. Even if we wanted too, Sarek would have to be the one to show him the truth. There's no saying we would make anything better by telling him, except it would ruin his relationship with Sarek as well.”

“That's Sarek's problem.”

“No, it would be Spock's. He'd be just as isolated as he is now except he'd have this whole load of emotional baggage that he couldn't deal with on top.”

“He's on his own.” 

She sighed. “Look, I'll try and see if I can meet up with him and see how he is. Try and get him to come out here and visit, okay?”

Jim's lips curved into a small smile. “Thank you.”

“I'm not promising anything.”

~

Spock had decided to clean his Mother's apartment. 

It had been left alone for so long and although some fresh air had helped, he decided that he should clean every surface. As he did he would ponder over items she had picked for the apartment. Had she just liked them or were they special to her in some way? 

Spock had no items that were not useful or a Vulcan decorative item but he had nothing so trivial as what his mother had. Once he had cleaned the apartment, he went to the spare bedroom, which had become his bedroom. She had kept the room sparse. It was still homely and warm but she had no personal items in it.   
Spock decided that he would attempt to find an item that was in keeping with the apartments theme for the room- a totally useless item that he wanted for no other reason than it's appeal. 

He recalled a small antique store not far away and he headed to it.   
The shop was packed with tables and cabinets full of items. Similar items were kept together. There was a section for books, dolls, cars- every type of antique was grouped and stored together. Spock ignored the books. He did not feel that it was the right sort of item. A book could be read and therefore was useful- we wanted something decorative and pointless. Eventually, he found an appropriate section. Shelves were filled with ornamental items. Brightly decorated fish, and glass birds and monkeys and not one item is actually useful. 

When his eyes landed upon one item, he lingered on it and he knew that it was the one he should purchase. It was a tiny green frog. It reminded him of his mother taking him to see real frogs on earth and how they had enamoured him as a small child. He purchased the item and headed back to the apartment and placed it on the bedside table in the spare room with a small sense of pride at the small, pointless item.   
Maybe it wasn't as pointless as he thought. It did make him think of his Mother and that was something to treasure. But as he looked at the item he felt a sadness wash over him.   
He missed her. 

~

McCoy was barely leaving the hospital besides from showering and changing clothes, everything else he did at the hospital. 

He was waiting for a coffee from the replicator when Nyota joined him. “I should warn you that Jim wants to tell Spock the truth. I think it's just because he wants to see him.”

“Well, that's not an option, is it?” McCoy responded. 

“I don't think it's an option without Sarek. Otherwise, we'll ruin their relationship.”

“Jim realises that he'll hate us too, right?”

“I think he believes that Spock will know that we did the best thing we could for him. Anyway, I'm going to try and call Spock and get him to come down and visit Jim. That might make him feel better. I need you to get Jim not to say anything if he does visit. At least get him to stall on the idea okay?”

“I'll do what I can but Jim's stubborn.” 

“So are you.” 

Uhura turned to leave but McCoy stopped her. 

“Listen. I think I know why Spock hasn't been to visit.”

“Oh?”

“I think it was because of me.” 

“What did you do?”

“I overheard him talking to Sarek, saying he had business to attend to before he could leave and he just sounded so uninterested in Jim's health.”

“Are you kidding me?” 

“What?”

“I don't believe that Spock would refer to Jim's health as business. He was worried about him.” 

“It was something like that. He certainly didn't sound like he gave a shit.” 

“Well, when does he ever? He would have controlled his feelings in front of his father, you know that.” 

“Well if he cared that much he'd have come back, whatever I said.” 

“Look, you've been snappish with Spock since we made the decision to keep the truth from him. You can't push him away as aggressively as you have and expect him to keep coming back for more.”

“You think it's my fault that he's not here?”

“I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that he still has feelings, no matter how much he tries to hide them. He was worried about Jim and was there for him. You have a 'word' with him and he's not been back since. He contacts me all the time to ask about him. He cares.”

“Look, you and Jim might be able to stand there and lie to his face, but I can't.”

“That's not fair! You think this is any easier on us?” 

“It seems to be. I can't pretend that it doesn't bother me. I would rather drive him away completely so he can find people who can be honest with him rather than being surrounded by people who can only give a little of themselves. Don't you think he deserves more than this?”

“Of course I do. But I can't stand the idea of losing him.”

McCoy sighed. “We've already lost him.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this took so long. I had a lack of inspiration to write and a few personal things keeping me away from writing.

It was a rainy afternoon when Spock was disrupted from meditation by a knock at the door. He had not been trying to meditate for long and he figured it would be better to answer the door now, in case whoever it was decided to come back later and disrupted a deeper meditation. 

He was pleasantly surprised to see Dolly stood at the door. 

“I hope this isn't a bad time?” she asked. 

“Of course not. Would you like to come in?” 

“That would be great. Thought I could share a few stories with you.” 

“That would be most pleasant. Can I get you a drink?” 

“Oh, I'd love a tea. Whatever you're having, honey. I've drunk enough Vulcan tea in my time.” 

Spock recalled the mix she had when he had first met her and selected those to make for them both. His Mother had a replicator, but she had always liked to make her tea the old fashion way and Spock chose to do the same. While he was allowing the tea to brew, he came back through to Dolly. 

She was sat on the sofa looking around the room. She noticed his entrance. “Hasn't changed much.” 

“No. I was considering, at one point, clearing out my Mother's items but there's something special about having it here.”

“Kinda comforting, huh?” Dolly said. 

Spock noted that she was looking around the room still, not at him and he felt a little more able to agree with her sentiment. “I find it extremely comforting, in the light of all that has happened.” 

“Like climbing back into your Momma's womb,” Dolly muttered to herself before blushing slightly. “I'm sorry. What an insensitive thing to say.”

“It is quite alright,” Spock assured her. He found the sentiment odd, but no more so that what he was used too with other humans.   
Spock headed back to finish making the tea. He entered with the two cups and placed one down on the table for Dolly and one for himself. He sat in a single seat chair opposite Dolly. 

“After I spoke to you the other day, I have to confess that I located my Mother's yearbook to look through.” 

“Oh, and how was that?” 

“It was fine. I enjoyed seeing some of the pictures from her youth but in all honesty, the usefulness of the book was lost to me.”

“Well they're not very useful books to start with,” Dolly agreed. “So honey, what can I tell you? What did you want to know?”

“I know nothing of her younger life,” Spock replied.

Dolly smiled warmly. “I remember her being such a shy thing. The first time I ever met her and I mean properly because we'd seen each other around the place and shared some classes, but the one time came and sat with me and my friend Sara at lunch. It was one of these big tables but the only spare seat was right next to us and there's a big group of boys being loud and obnoxious that she's sat next too and she's doing her best to ignore them. Well the boys were messing about and throwing stuff and some of the others on the table moved off and me and Sara were like 'Thank goodness, we can move away from the boys!' and I remember just reaching over to your momma and saying to her, 'Come sit with us, honey'. Oh, she looked so grateful. That was the start of our friendship.” 

“So Mother became friends with you both?”

“Well, Sara she left a few months later. I can't recall why. It might have been a family problem so then me and your Momma started to become better friends and socialise. It was lovely. A really special time for me.” 

“Thank you for sharing that.” 

“I can tell you more.” 

“I would like time to absorb every detail before I hear more. If that is not an inconvenience to you?” 

“Aw honey, you take all the time you need.” Dolly reached across for her tea and sipped it to check the temperature. “Oh, that's beautiful,” she said. 

“I am pleased you enjoy it,” Spock responded. 

“Is there anything that you want to share about your Momma with someone who won't judge you?” 

Spock contemplated her offer for longer than he would normally before answering. “No.” he answered succinctly. 

Not perturbed by Spock's answer, Dolly just nodded. “So, is there anything else-” 

An incoming message interrupted them and Spock looked over to Dolly. “I apologise,” he said as he stood and went over to see what the message was. It was from Uhura asking him to meet her at the hospital. His first thought was that something happened to Jim. He pushed the thought way, he was certain that Uhura would call him if it were urgent. 

“Is everything okay?” Dolly asked. 

Spock considered what he should do before he answered her. Eventually, he looked over to her. “Yes. I am sorry, but I have an appointment I have to keep.”

“Oh, that's quite alright,” Dolly said. “Nothing too serious I hope,” she said. She didn't push for an answer but Spock felt inclined to reply to her anyway. 

“No. I have a-” Spock hesitated on the word friend. He didn't think he could call Jim such a thing any longer. “colleague who was injured recently and I have yet to visit him.” 

“Oh well hun, you need to get on that. Don't forget to take some grapes.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Well it's traditional, isn't it?” Dolly looked at him and realised he had no idea what she was talking about. “People just take a little gift for people in the hospital. Fruit because they're sweet but they're healthy so they're a good compromise. Or flowers to brighten the place up.” 

“I see. Thank you. I shall take a gift with me.” 

“Okay, well I'll let you get on. I'll pop by sometime. If that's okay?” 

“That would be most pleasing.” Spock said. 

~

Kirk watched as the small planted shrub was placed on the table at the end of his bed. 

He frowned at it and then over at the person who had placed it there. “What is it?” 

“It is a cherry tree.” 

“Um.... okay. Thanks.” There was an awkward silence between the two of them. They hadn't spoken to one another since they were on the ship, even though Jim had been in the hospital for a few days now. “So, have you been busy?” 

“Not particularly. I felt I should give Doctor McCoy some space.” 

Kirk knew McCoy had been vexed with Spock for some time. Jim's accident had really pushed him to breaking point and he was certain that very soon, the pair would get beyond the point where they could ever be friends again. “Yeah, I guess,” was all he said. He needed to talk to McCoy about this whole Spock thing. “So how bad does it look?” Kirk asked. “I'm not allowed a mirror, not that I could see anything with it all wrapped up anyway.” 

Spock did something that humans never would do and looked at the damaged areas, even though he too was unable to see the wounds themselves, he still looked before he answered. “Unclear,” Spock answered. “The doctors seem very confident there will be no lasting damage.” 

“It's not their face, what do they care?” Kirk replied bitterly. 

“Of course they care,” Spock replied automatically. 

Kirk shrugged and looked down at his bandaged body. 

“Jim, perhaps you should speak to a counsellor at the hospital about the emotional effects that the injuries may have on you. It is not just the visible wounds that need healing.” 

Jim felt physically sick at Spock's words. That he was sat there, oblivious to how relevant those words were to his own situation, at how he hadn't been able to cope with the physical torture he had been subjected too and now he had no realisation of it. Yet not through his own choice. They had forced it on him and that was what made Jim sick to his stomach. 

“Are you okay, Jim? Your appearance has paled rapidly. Would you like a doctor?”

“I just- I jus' need you to go.” Jim blurted out. “Now!” he said as he turned from Spock and took some deep breaths, trying to control the urge to vomit.   
By the time he had got some control of himself, Spock had gone.


	8. Chapter 8

Uhura had almost missed him. 

She'd gone to pick a few things up for Kirk's extended stay in hospital and had caught Spock leaving the building. 

“Hey,” she called as she raced up to him, grabbing his arm to stop him. 

He looked annoyed that someone had stopped him but that emotional response drained when he saw her. “Nyota,” he said softly. 

“You've been to see Jim?” He merely nods wordlessly in response. “Did it go okay?”

“No. I did not help.”

“You can't help him, only the doctors can right now. We're just there to support him.” 

“I do not believe that is something I can offer him. Perhaps he would be better off with yourself, the doctor and the other crew members.” 

“What, you're just going to leave him there?”

“He is getting professional care.”

“He needs his friends around him right now.”

“And he shall have them. He does not need his First Officer.” 

“Spock-”

“I am going to return to New Vulcan. Today. If you could let the others know so as not to disturb me.” 

“Is this what you want?” she asked him, feeling nothing but sadness for him. 

He nods. 

“Okay. I'll let them know.”

He turned to go but hesitated. Turning back to her slightly, he said “I will always value our time together, Nyota.” Then he walked briskly away. 

~

Spock had mentally made plans to head back to New Vulcan so when he returned to his Mother's apartment and found an envelope stuck to the door, he was some what surprised. 

He peeled it from the door and headed inside. There was a piece of paper wrapped around something slightly thicker. The paper had a short note written on it. 'Hope you had a nice time. Came across this and thought you should have it. D xx'.   
Spock removed the note and found a picture of his Mother underneath. She was clearly posing for the picture. Her hair was tied back, away from her face except a few loose strands. She was smiling, but it was a relaxed, casual smile. Spock suddenly felt like the photo itself may disappear as his Mother did and wanted to put it somewhere safe, somewhere more protected. 

He went into his Mother's bedroom and stalled for a moment. He opened her dresser and found a silk scarf, which he lay down on the bed. He placed the photo inside and wrapped the scarf gently around the picture. He felt it was safer now and he carried it through to his own bedroom and placed it in a drawer. 

Perhaps he could delay returning to Vulcan a little longer. 

~

Evening tea became something they shared together. 

Dolly would sometimes come over with some she'd brewed herself or Spock would invite her over. She never invited him to her own apartment, too much clutter, she always told him. He did not mind. He enjoyed being in his Mother's apartment, hearing the stories that Dolly told. 

She had told him all about their friendship as it grew and they became inseparable. As they moved on and found themselves ready for the next chapter of their loves, and Amanda meeting Sarek. Spock noted that Dolly didn't speak much about that time. 

“Did I tell you about the time me and your Momma went to that party the night before our exam?” 

“You did.” Spock said as he collected the empty cups from the table. “It was a very engaging and memorable tale,” he added. He took the cups through to the kitchen before sitting opposite Dolly. “It has been most enjoyable to be able to hear these stories only you could share with me. But I have been delaying the inevitable. I should return to New Vulcan and my people.” 

“Oh honey, I don't mean to speak out of turn, but your people? Sometimes your Momma used to call me after she married your father and she would be in tears. And it only got worse once she had you. Of course, she wasn't permitted to talk to me. She'd have to sneak a call in here and there.” 

“My father stopped you two from speaking?”

“He did. Oh honey, I didn't want to speak poorly of your father. I know he's all you've got now. I should go and let you pack your bits to leave.” 

“I will see you before I go.” Spock assured her. 

Dolly nodded and smiled weakly as she headed out the door. 

Spock felt somewhat saddened as the door closed and he was left alone again. He had enjoyed Dolly's companionship and stories. And while disturbed by what she told him about his father, he would still be better off back on New Vulcan than on Earth. Wouldn't he?   
Previous words he had spoken came back to him, from long ago. After his Mother died and his planet was destroyed, standing on the bridge of the Enterprise and telling the crew that Earth was the only home he had. 

If he went to New Vulcan, his father would try and help him find a bond mate and although he knew that Nyota had moved on from him, his feelings for her had not lessened any. 

Maybe then, it was obvious what he should do. 

~

Sarek wasn't surprised to see an impending message from Spock. 

His son had so far delayed his return to New Vulcan and Sarek expected that this would be confirmation that he was soon to be on his way. 

“Greetings Father,” the message began. “I had intended to head straight to New Vulcan but I have decided to remain on Earth for the forseeable future. I feel it is for you to know that I have become acquainted with a friend of Mother's from her time here before she met you. She has become someone who is willing to tell me stories of my Mother as the human she truly was. I feel as though I would benefit more from being here with her than returning to New Vulcan.” Spock paused thoughtfully for a moment, considering is next words.”She told me that you stopped Mother from seeing her.” He paused again. “I shall contact you if I am on my way to New Vulcan.”


	9. Chapter 9

“...we all fall down!” The children fell to the floor in dramatic fashion and Spock watched curiously as they all giggled and gathered themselves back up and started again. “Ring-a-ring-o-roses...”

Although Spock had made the decision to remain on Earth, he had not yet decided where he would stay.   
While staying in his Mother's apartment had been somewhat healing to him, he felt he needed a space that wasn't related to her and past hurts.   
A fresh start. 

He hadn't decided what to do about Starfleet yet so he informed them he would be taking a sabbatical, which he would have done if he'd gone to new Vulcan also, although it had crossed his mind to leave altogether he didn't think that was necessary. He wanted his options open as much as possible.   
But there was one thing that Spock needed to do before he made any decisions and that was speak to Jim. He felt he had said goodbye to Nyota in a satisfying way, yet had not been able to with Jim. He had considered McCoy too, but he wasn't sure what he'd say to him any longer. He felt like any further conversations would just exacerbate things again.   
His last conversation with Jim had seen his former Captain vulnerable and perhaps Spock would be able to bolster the other man. He did not like the idea of leaving on such bad terms. 

Spock headed straight to Jim's room and asked the nurse if he was okay to enter. He didn't want to go in if he already had visitors. She informed Spock that Jim had an appointment with one of the surgeons but that he'd be back shortly and he was fine to wait in Jim's room if he wanted too. He felt it was slightly presumptuous, however, he took a seat in one of the chairs in the far corner of the room. He felt it was less imposing. 

It wasn't long before Spock could hear voices approaching and the door was opened and Jim was returned to his room, two men accompanying him. They were clearly still talking about the appointment Jim had just come from. Yet it didn't take long for them to finish up and clear from the room. 

Jim clearly had no realisation Spock was present in the room. There was no reason for him to believe he had any company as he lay on the bed, looking up at the ceiling.   
Spock didn't say a word. He suddenly wished to be anywhere but in that room, at that moment as he realised that Kirk's face was mostly free of bandages. Despite his desire to not be there, he is and Spock knows it will only be worse the longer he stays quiet. 

“Jim,” he says softly. 

Kirk looks up and over to where Spock is. The damage is shocking but Spock doesn't turn away, even though Jim himself looks torn between hiding himself away and disbelief. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see you.”

“Uhura said you left for New Vulcan.” 

“I intended to go.” 

“What stopped you?”

“I just decided to remain on Earth a while longer.”

Jim squirms under Spock's gaze. Spock looks away, aware that human's don't tend to make eye contact as much as Vulcans do and with his injuries, Jim is self-conscious. 

“So what do you want?” Jim asks, bluntly. 

“I do not know what has come between us over the last few months. However, I did not want to depart while things were not harmonious between us.” 

Jim seemed to consider Spock's words before stating. “You know, it was nothing. The stress of the job. There's no bad feelings between us.” 

Spock frowned slightly. “McCoy is stressed also?”

“He has a lot of personal stuff going on. He didn't want to talk about it. He shouldn't have taken it out on you. I did... I did speak to him about it.” 

“I see.” He wondered if that were true. At no point during the last few months did he recall Jim ever having tension with McCoy. He felt there would be some if he has called him out on his behaviour. He mentally shook himself away from that as he pressed on with matters. “Well, as the matter between us is resolved, I wish to tell you that it was my honour to serve under you as your First Officer. And if our paths cross again at some point, I would consider myself lucky to work alongside you again. You have a natural talent for Captaincy. For leading a crew. Whatever you choose next, I am certain you will succeed.”

Jim seemed genuinely shocked by Spock's words and nodded somewhat dumbly. He turned and wiped at his eye. Spock stood up, having done what he came to do. “I wish your healing to be swift, Jim.” 

“Wait, Spock, just stay a little longer. Please?” he asked. 

Spock nodded and sat back down. “I thought you might want some time alone.” 

“I'll have plenty of that,” Jim said. 

“The crew have been to visit?” 

“Yeah, of course, but life goes on. They can't be here all the time. I mean, I get enough visitors but I also have plenty of time for thinking. So if you're really heading out the least you can do is stay a little longer.” A silence fell between the two of them and Jim felt obliged to fill it. “So, what have you been up too recently?”

“Not much. I have been reflecting on my future in Starfleet.”

“Oh? Made any decisions?”

“Only that I should leave all options open currently. I do not know where my time is best spent, currently.” 

“That's fair enough. For what it's worth, I hope you don't leave Starfleet. Your too damn valuable to let go.” 

Spock certainly hadn't felt that way recently. The last couple of months serving Starfleet on the Enterprise had been painful. He'd never felt so alien before. He merely nodded at Jim's comment. 

Spock's silence seemed to alert Jim. “What's wrong?” he pressed. 

“There is nothing wrong, Jim,” Spock assured him. 

“You can't lie to me and think I don't know. I know you, Spock.”

Spock contemplated Jim's request. “Very well. I find your complimentary comments hard to accept when there was so much hostility on board.”

“I told you why Spock.” 

“You were 'stressed'?” Spock repeated Kirk's comments from earlier. He nodded. “Jim, throughout my childhood I was ostracized by my peers. I always felt I was part of Starfleet. Until these last few months.”

“I'm sorry you felt that way, Spock, but you know, it wasn't personal.”

“I would not mind if I knew why. I always understood that on Vulcan, I was different. But so many of us in Starfleet are different. But suddenly, it was an issue.” 

“No one had a problem with you being different, Spock.”

“If it was not that, that what was it?”

“I can't.” 

“I hope your recovery goes well, Jim,” Spock says as he gets up. 

“Don't leave like this.” 

“Clearly, there is nothing else to say. Is there?” 

Jim let out a sigh. “You're right. You should go.”

~

When Spock returned to the apartment later in the evening, there was a box waiting for him. He picked it up and looked at the note scrawled across the top. 'Thought you might need these more than me. D x' 

Spock opened the door to his apartment and put the box down on the table as he opened the box. Inside were some of the yearbooks they had looked through together and Spock realised that Dolly had written out memories she'd had with Amanda and stuck them into the pages where pictures of her were located. She'd also included a box of tea inside as well.   
Spock had felt slightly confused and hurt by his visit to Jim but Dolly's surprise gift had brightened his spirits. 

He headed over to her apartment and invited her to join him for tea. She followed him over and Spock headed into the kitchen to make tea for them both.   
“So, you've not packed anything away yet?” she asked as she looked around the room. 

“Not yet. Actually, I told my Father that I may remain on Earth.”

“You're going to stay here?” 

“Perhaps not here. I have barely seen anything of this planet.”

“Oh. Well, that's nice too.” Dolly agreed. 

“Yes. I mentioned that I had met you to my Father,” Spock added. 

“You did? How did he take that?”

“I do not know. I sent him a message and have yet to have a reply. Are you hungry?”

She was distracted by a light flashing alerting Spock to a message. Was it Sarek? What would he say about her to Spock? 

“Dolly? Are you hungry? Spock asked again, coming into the room. 

“I've got an idea. Let me take you out for dinner. I won't get a chance to once you're gone.” 

“I have made tea,” Spock said. 

“It's only hot water. Come one. It'll be fun.” 

“Very well. I shall go and freshen up.” 

Dolly smiled at him as she watched him walk away. Once the door closed behind him, Dolly went to the computer with the message flashing. She opened it and saw the message was indeed from Sarek. Without a thought, she deleted the message and went back to wait for Spock to return. 

~

Spock had been a little reluctant to go out to eat. 

But Dolly had made a valid point about it being their last time together while he travelled and Spock did enjoy her company. She was warm and friendly and not overly emotional. They talked about where he would travel and Dolly mentioned some places that she'd visited or would have wanted to visit if she'd been more inclined to travel. 

Dolly had picked a place fairly far removed from there apartment so it was a fair trek back. But it was a pleasant evening and the walk would be refreshing. As they walked along the streets, Spock picked up on something familiar. At first, he couldn't quite work out what it was. But he stopped and listened and soon enough, he realised that it was a voice he recognised. 

“What's wrong?” Dolly asked. 

Spock looked to the source of the noise and located it to a bar across the road. “Wait here,” he told her. Spock made his way to the bar and headed inside. There was a large group brawling drunkenly and Spock quickly identified what it was that had drawn him in, or more correctly, who. 

Using a nerve grip on the main two that seemed to be brawling and sending them to the ground, the fighting quickly ceased as those remaining did not want to end up in the same fashion. Spock reached for McCoy and pulled him from the group. His face and knuckles were bloody, but he did not appear to be seriously injured. “I suggest you go home, Doctor.” Spock said. 

McCoy glared at him, swaying as he stood. “Who are you?” 

Spock ignored the comment as he waited to find a mode of transport that would take McCoy. 

McCoy drunkenly tilted back and forth and Spock had to tighten his grip to ensure the Doctor wouldn't fall over. McCoy turned to him. “What are you doing to me?” he asked. 

“I am ensuring you get home safely,” Spock told him. 

Seeing what was happening, Dolly had managed to find an air car and it stopped next to Spock and McCoy. Spock assisted McCoy into the vehicle. McCoy drunkenly grabbed Spock's face. “Hey, you didn't deserve what happened to you, you know....” 

Spock frowned at McCoy's comment before the briefest flash of something assaulted his mind. He pulled away from the inebriated man and closed the door. 

“Everything okay?” Dolly asked as she came over. She looked at Spock carefully. “You look a little pale honey, even for you.” 

“Yes, I am fine. We should get home,” Spock insisted. 

~

He couldn't sleep that night. 

McCoy's words rolled around in his mind. What had happened to him? Perhaps he felt guilty about Spock being injured on Endana all that time ago, but Spock had been injured worse than that before. 

It didn't make sense that McCoy seemed so bothered by it still. Spock kept trying to put it down to McCoy's drunkenness but it refused to settle with Spock. 

Spock got out of bed and headed into the kitchen and got himself a drink before he went and sat on the sofa. He gazed over at him PADD and saw no messages. He had expected his Father to respond to his last message about his intentions to stay on Earth.   
Closing his eyes to meditate, Spock decided to focus on the strange flash that had happened while he was with McCoy. It took a long time for him to get into the right frame of mind and as much as he tried, the flash seemed to elude him, as though it were a secret that he was never to know.   
It had to be something. 

Perhaps a deeper meditation would allow him to uncover the secret.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a short chapter this time but I hope you like it. :)

Spock came to consciousness with a start. 

He had been in meditation for some time, delving into his mind. He had neglected to go too deeply recently so there was a lot that needed his attention, yet he focused on the parts that he wanted too.   
He had tried to find the cause of the 'spark' during his brief conversation with McCoy but it alluded him. Whenever he got close to it, it seemed to hide away, further within him, drawing him deeper into himself.   
And then when he got as far as he could following the spark it seemed to vanish into a void. A secret something contained within his own mind.   
It was when he attempted to explore it that he jolted back to reality. Something that had been done to protect whatever was contained inside.   
He was curious and confused by it and couldn't understand McCoy's connection to it.   
~

“Spock came by yesterday,” Jim said as McCoy nursed his head in his hands. 

“I thought he'd left already.”

“He said he wanted to leave on better terms. He knew I was lying to him.” 

“You can't keep going over old ground, Jim. The sooner he leaves, the better for everyone.”

“I know why we did it. And I know if so many ways it's the best thing for him but he's in a safe place now where he has time to recover-”

Bones hit the bedside table hard, spilling some of the water in the glass by Jim's bed. “Goddammit, Jim. No! I can't have this conversation with you every time I come and see you. Just let it go. Let him go.” 

“I don't want to just let him go. He didn't suffer enough in the first place and now we all just let him think we don't care because it suits us better.” 

“Damn you, Jim. You're not the one who'd be expected to keep him together while everything around him falls apart. That was me, remember? And I'm not going to do that again. If you tell him, don't expect me to pick up the pieces.”  
With that, McCoy stormed out the room leaving Jim alone. 

~

Spock had headed out distractedly early in the morning. He had hoped to clear his mind a little but the more time he spent thinking about the strange happenings, the more questions he had.   
When he eventually returned home, he ignored the box left outside his door. He knew it was from Dolly and yet right now, thought of his Mother were far from his mind. 

He needed some answers and there was only one place to get them. 

~

“Ny, there's a Vulcan guy here to see you?” Sable, one of a group of friends from the academy told her. 

She walked to the door, fully expecting Spock to be waiting for her. When she saw Sarek, she was a little dumbfounded. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

“That is unclear,” Sarek replied. “I had a troubling message from Spock.”

“Come in,” Nyota said, stepping aside and closing the door after him. She led him to an unoccupied room. “What kind of message?”

“Spock was planning to leave Earth and return to New Vulcan. He delayed his plans when Captain Kirk was injured. He contacted me two days ago and said that he planned to stay on Earth.”

“Stay? He told me he was going to leave.”

“That part does not trouble me. He told me he had met a friend of Amanda's and that she was sharing some stories with him. He also revealed that this woman had told him I had stopped Amanda and her being friends.” 

“She lied about it?”

“No, she was not lying. However, it was not only I who wished her to stay away from Amanda.”

“Amanda too?”

Sarek nodded. “Her name was Dorothy although her friends called her Dolly. She is a warm, kind lady. But she was somewhat obsessed with Amanda.”

“Is she dangerous?”

“I do not think so. She was very fond of Amanda. I do not believe she would do anything to hurt anyone so close to her. But she was delusional. And I do not want her to take advantage of Spock when he is in a vulnerable state.” 

“Well just be honest with him. From what you've said, he won't be mad at a warning to be careful. You must be concerned though. Why did you travel all this way?”

“I did leave Spock a message but it was deleted without being opened. Spock is not in the habit of doing such things.” 

“Well, he should still be at the apartments anyway.”

“I shall head there now.”

“Good luck.”

~

Spock had been meditating but a constant buzzing had been distracting him. 

Sighing he stood up off the floor and went over to the comm unit to see who was trying to get hold of him. He'd missed several calls from Jim and before he had a chance to call him back, another call from his former Captain started again.   
Spock answered immediately. “Jim.” 

“I can't do it any more, Spock. Come to the hospital and I'll tell you everything.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keeping it short and sweet as I smash my way through this.

Spock had the strangest feeling of Deja Vu as he sat in the hospital room with Jim. 

Jim looked pale and nervous as he sat there and Spock wondered if what Jim had to say was that bad or if he had some other bad news he was dealing with. “I need you to know something before I tell you anything, Spock,” Jim started. “This was a last resort, okay? We really didn't know what else to do.”

Spock tilted his head ever so slightly when Jim said 'we'. 

Jim let out a steadying breath. “Okay, here it is. After you were left on Endana and kidnapped from there you were taken to a planet where you were... abused for weeks. We had no idea where you were so we couldn't help you. We got you back eventually but you were so.... so damaged. We all tried to help and you were just spiralling. So in the end, Sarek decided that the best thing to do to help you was to lock those memories away. That's why things have been so weird. We've been trying to keep the truth from you.” 

Spock just stared at Jim blankly. He didn't have a clue what he was going to be told about but he hadn't expected this. After some effort, Spock finally found his voice. “Who knows?”

“Bones, Uhura, Scotty, Sulu and myself all know about as much as you do right now. The rest of the crew just knew you were taken. You didn't really share much detail with us. I don't know if you told the others anything or not.”

Spock didn't say anything, he seemed to be trying to process the information. When the silence dragged on for longer than was comfortable, Kirk tried to get something from him. “Say something, Spock.” 

“What should I say?” 

“I don't know. We didn't know how else to help you.”

“You thought the best way to help me was to lie to me?” 

“We would never have done it if we had a better idea, Spock. You have to believe me.” 

“How can I believe anything you say? I can not trust any of you.” Spock stood up, ready to leave.

“Meld with me,” Kirk blurted out, prepared to try and make the situation with Spock better somehow. 

It stopped Spock's retreat but he just stared at Jim. 

“You'll see it for what it was. You'll know exactly what I know,” Kirk implored him. 

“I do not want to see inside your mind,” Spock declared flatly. Without another word, he left the room. 

~

Spock had wandered aimlessly before heading back to the apartment. 

He still couldn't process what Jim had told him. Jim hadn't been able to tell him any actual information besides the violation of his privacy and had created more questions that Spock had no answers too.  
He felt frustrated at the whole thing. Not just the lack of knowledge but at all those that had betrayed him. 

He needed time alone to process the information he did have. Walking into the apartment, he quickly realised that he would not be getting that as his Father stood upon his entrance. 

“Father what are you doing here?” he asked automatically. Spock noticed afterwards that Sarek had the box that Dolly had left outside on the table, opened and partially emptied on the table. “What are you doing?” Spock asked. 

“Spock, this is not appropriate,” Sarek said. He picked up the items that he had removed from the box and placed them back inside. “This woman is not someone you should encourage.” 

“Encourage? She welcomes talking about Mother. Any time I ask you a question about her you change the subject,” Spock replied angrily. But Sarek's lack of tact here was not the reason he was angry. “I've just been to see Jim. He has told me what you all did. How you conspired against me.” 

Sarek was taken back that Kirk had told Spock the truth. “It was no conspiracy, Spock. You were in need of help.” 

“It was not your choice to make.” 

“I am still your Father. No one cares more than I over your welfare.” 

“I find that hard to believe when you violated my mind so freely.”

“It is only because you do not recall the truth that this violation seems to be so unjust. I have felt your pain and it was consuming. I would not have intervened in such a way had I not felt it the only possible way to help you.” 

“I am ashamed that you call yourself Vulcan and would do something so vile and obtrusive. I wish for you to leave.”

“Spock, let me explain-”

“I do not wish for you to explain anything. You and Kirk and Uhura all had the time to explain and you did nothing. You shunned me. Not one of you even tried to tell the truth. At least Kirk eventually felt guilty enough to say something. But you are my Father.” 

“I am here now, Spock.”

“And I wish for you not to be. I want you to leave.”

“I will not leave until you have listened to me-”

“Then I shall leave,” Spock said, turning to the door and ignoring Sarek when he tried to stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, it's all hitting the fan now!


	12. Chapter 12

Nyota had been heading out when she received the message from Jim. 'I told him everything,' was all it said and she knew exactly what it meant. 

~

Spock left the apartment and walked away from everything he knew. He lost all sense of time and only stopped walking when he became aware of his surroundings- a strange part of town and a sky slowly dimming with darkness. He found the nearest hotel and checked in. 

He returned to his mother apartment days later. Sarek had left, a handwritten note sealed on the counter for Spock's attention. He picked it up but simply placed it in his pocket not ready to see what words his father had for him. 

His days away had assured him that what he needed was to be away from this place. Not the apartment but San Francisco in general. The chances of his Father returning, or him running into Uhura or McCoy seemed more likely  
He didn't have much to take with him. When he was ready to go he collected the bag and took one look back at the apartment. 

“I thought you'd gone already,” came a familiar voice from behind him. 

Spock turned to see Dolly stood at her own door, a sad, knowing smile on her face. “I spent a few days away from here. 

“I thought you might be avoiding me.”

“Of course not.”

“But you're going still?” She asked, indicating to his bag. 

“I would like to be somewhere without any ghosts. So to speak.” 

“I understand. I know you have to go. And it was a pleasure to have you here for so long. It really made me feel connected to Amanda again. Oh, I miss that woman.” 

“I agree,” Spock said. 

“There's one thing I was just wondering if you could do for me. It's asking a lot so don't feel you have to.”

“You have shared plenty of my mothers past with me. If I can, I shall.”

“I just always wanted to know what your last memory of her was.”

Surprisingly, Spock had never spoken to Dolly about it. He'd shared very little with Dolly. Spock invited Dolly into his apartment he was set to leave, for it was not a conversation he wanted to have in the hall.   
He sat opposite her, a feeling of tension about the upcoming task. 

“My Mother was on Vulcan when it was destroyed,” he started. “I-”   
He wasn't quite sure how to continue. 'I tried to save her? I let her go? I let her die?'   
There wasn't a moment where he didn't regret letting go of her hand. But he couldn't say these things and he doubted his ability to make her understand.   
He briefly considered melding to her but it was far too emotional for him to allow her to feel the depths of despair he felt about the matter. Still. After all this time and it was still there.   
“I was there. I went there to save them. My father and the elders,” He swallowed and realised how dry his mouth felt suddenly. “Some of them never made it outside, the building collapsing around us. I held on to my Mother.” He realised he never even looked back to his Father. He never made sure he got out safely. He wondered if he'd be so distraught if his Father had been the one to die.   
“I called for them to beam us up and she was just in front of me.” I let her go. “They told us to stay still and the ground was collapsing, being swallowed into this black hole at the planets centre. I could feel it. She was so close but I could not reach her. I had already let her go.”   
Spock recalled that moment where she had looked around at him as if she knew and couldn't stop it. Time seemed to move so slowly. His memory of it seemed to be in slow motion.   
“She looked at me and then she was gone. And before I knew it we were on the ship and where she had been, where she should have been, there was nothing.”

When he looked to Dolly, there were tears rolling down her face but she was composed. “What do you mean by you 'let her go'?”

“I had assisted her as we left the katric ark but outside..... I do not recall if I let go of her or she let go of me. But she walked away from me. I think I- I let her go.”

Dolly nodded slightly and wiped the tears she had silently wept away. “Thank you for sharing that with me,” she said.   
Her voice was thick with emotion, she was more choked up than she was allowing him to see and he regretted sharing the story with her. 

“I am sorry,” Spock said. 

“I always guessed she died on Vulcan but I wondered how her husband survived. I assumed he was off the planet at the time,” She wiped away fresh tears. “I never even imagined that you would have been there. Once I got to know you I always thought 'If only Spock had been there, she'd still be here'.” She laughed a little but it was humourless. “Guess I was wrong about that.” She wiped her face. “Well, now I know.”   
With that, she stood up and headed out of the apartment. 

~

Jim was miserable. 

Telling Spock the truth hadn't gone well. Spock had reacted angrily to the confession. Then Sarek had come to see him after speaking to Spock himself. He had been very Vulcan about it, but he'd basically told Jim off and left him feeling even worse about the situation. He sent messages to the rest of the crew that were the most involved regarding Spock to let them know that he had told Spock what they had done. 

He's got very little response except for Sulu telling him that he supported his decision if it was what had felt right. It had made him feel marginally better. Until Bones walked in. 

Jim knew his friend had been drinking a lot recently. He wouldn't talk about what was bothering him but as he walked into the room, Jim knew this wasn't going to go well.   
McCoy's eyes were red, bloodshot from drinking so much, sleeping too little.   
“So, what was it? Your own life went to shit so wanna ruin everyone else's too?”

“Wow, don't hold back, Bones,” Jim replied. He wasn't in the mood for Bones to visit him right now, especially not when he was half cut. 

“Well, why should I? You never concerned yourself with holding back. Wipe someone's memories out just like turning off a light switch.”

“Hey, it was never my idea, okay? You were the one Spock went to for help and you never helped him once. He didn't get better, you didn't heal him and that's what you're supposed to do. You just let him drown.”

“Hey, well don't worry about it. Now you've told him he'll get to do it all over again but this time, he'll have no support system so let's see how well that goes.”

“You're the one who's hiding in bars rather than trying to help him. If I was allowed to leave this goddamn room, I'd be out there looking for him. Helping him. You are the support system but you too busy worrying about yourself to help him.”

“You really think he's going to let me help him after what we did? We'll be lucky if we ever see him again. And that's on you.” 

With that, Bones left. 

~

It took Spock a while to compose himself after Dolly had left. 

Those feelings of guilt resurfacing and he needed to keep them under control before he attempted to leave. When he was confident he had regained control he once again left the apartment. This time, the hallway outside the apartment was empty. He locked the apartment, everything he had in one bag, and headed down the stairs. He planned to walk to the transportation hub and plan where he went from there. He had no real destination in mind, just somewhere away from San Francisco. 

He'd only just got out of the building when someone gently pulled him around. 

“I just needed to say goodbye,” Dolly said. 

“Thank you,” Spock said. He didn't want to end things on bad terms with her. It would be nice if he could return here and have one friendly face waiting for him. 

Taking an envelope from her pocket, she pushed it into his chest and turned from him. He reached for the envelope, uncertain of what exactly she was doing. He looked up just in time to see her stepping away from him and into the path of a large truck with no time to stop. 

~

McCoy was walking towards one of his trusty bars when he noticed the chaos up ahead. 

Sirens wailing and people clamouring around. The road was half closed with police and paramedics littering the area. McCoy turned to the lady beside him. “What's going on?”

“Some kind of traffic accident from what I can tell.” 

“How bad?”

“I think there's a couple of people hurt.” 

McCoy scoured the scene. There were several people talking with officers about what had happened. It looked like there still paramedics helping someone. He could see a covered body as well so at least one fatality that he could see. Then he saw Spock, an officer talking to him. McCoy moved over to the other side of the road, closer to where Spock was.   
Another witness had been bought over and was telling the officer what she saw. 

“... and the lady gave something to that guy and the next thing you know, she's in the road under the truck.”

“So are you saying he pushed her?” The officer asked. 

“I couldn't tell from where I was, but it was weird. She had her hands on him and so I figured she was trying to get away from him.”

“She was not trying to get away,” Spock said. 

“That's what she gave you?” The officer asked. Spock nodded. “What is it?” 

“I do not know.” 

The officer took it from Spock and opened it. He unfolded a piece of paper. “'You let go of me too.' Does that mean something to you?”

Spock nodded but didn't elaborate. There was also a key. “You know what this is for?” 

Spock took a moment to look at it. “I would guess it was the key to her own apartment. The number on it is the same as her apartment number.”

“This building here?” Spock nodded. “Okay, I'm going to get someone to check out her apartment. Yours in there too?”

“I was staying in my mother's apartment. I was just leaving.” Spock indicated to his bag. 

The officer retrieved the bag from Spock and handed that to someone, telling them to check through it. “Okay, so we'll check her apartment out as well. Need to get a statement from you about what happened and then if there's nothing concerning us, you can be on your way.”

“Hey,” McCoy called and the officer approached him. 

“You a witness?” 

“No. You know he's a Vulcan and he can't lie, right?”

“I can't just dismiss this just because he's a Vulcan. I have a procedure to follow.”

~


	13. Chapter 13

They took a statement from Spock about what had happened and asked a few questions. 

It was implied that they would not be looking into anything further and it seemed most likely that it was a plain and simple suicide. At least from their viewpoint. 

Spock waited at a desk as an officer went to get his possessions. As he waited someone stepped up beside him. 

“So not guilty, huh?” McCoy said. He smiled brightly, but there was something incredibly fake about the gesture. 

“Is that a disappointment to you?” 

“You really think I'm that much of an asshole don't you?” 

“I do not know what to think any more,” Spock said. Just then, the desk officer returned his items to him which Spock had to sign for and then he was leaving the police department, McCoy follows alongside him. 

“Look, I'm probably the last person you wanna see right now, but we need to talk.”

“Do we?” 

“There are things you don't know. Besides all that, you saw something pretty shocking today and maybe you shouldn't sit and stew about it. Not alone anyway. There's a hotel over the road. We can check in.”

Spock looked at McCoy and for the first time, Bones noticed the distrust there. He didn't know why it surprised him really. None of them had done anything for Spock to trust recently but he found it sad that Spock clearly felt this way. 

Spock sighed. Not something he was prone to do but he nodded his head in agreement. “Very well.” 

They checked into a suite with two en-suite bedrooms and a large enough living area for them to talk privately. 

Spock declined a drink but McCoy made him a herbal tea anyway and had a coffee himself, even though he'd craved something stronger. When he handed the cup over to Spock, despite him saying he didn't want anything, he instantly took a sip of it. 

“So what exactly happened today? You saw someone get hit by a car?”

“I would rather not talk about it,” Spock replied. 

That was hardly surprising. “Okay, let me start off the talking then. I want to talk about what happened back out there. I know Jim told you.” McCoy didn't push, in case Spock had strong objections to listening to this also. 

“Proceed,” Spock said. 

“The first thing you need to know was that this wasn't some mutually agreed plan. I never agreed with it and Sarek did it without speaking to any of us about it first.”

“What was he protecting me from?” 

“Honestly, I don't know exactly. You never told anyone. But you told me enough-”

“Like what?” Spock interrupted. 

“Mostly what they did to screw you up so badly, so quickly. They cheated death but they made you remember it. Made you live with it. By the time we got you back you'd been through so much torture and torment that you were barely clinging on to sanity. You couldn't even tolerate your own company. You were afraid to be alone. You needed constant companionship and reassurance.”  
McCoy watched the reality of his statement hit Spock. “Can you imagine how bad things must have been for you to admit all that to me of all people?”

“So it was my Father who made the decision?” Spock's tone was subdued. The distrust from his face gone to be replaced with something more complex. 

McCoy nodded. “He told us after he had done it and there was no conversation about it being done. You were recovering from an injury at the time and he wanted time alone with you. If we knew what he was planning we wouldn't have let him do it without a discussion first. He took that choice away and we were left to deal with the aftermath.” 

McCoy was silent to let Spock digest all of that. After a few minutes of silence, McCoy spoke again. “Listen, you're probably furious with your Father about this and not that I'm defending what he did, but he did it with your best interests in mind. Everything we all did was to try and get you through this. We all handled it badly and made it worse. Somehow. And I'm sorry for that and my part in it.”

“I do not know what to do with this information.” 

“It's a lot to take in. And I guess it doesn't change much. You still don't really know what happened.” 

“I do not feel that I want to know.” Off of McCoy's look, he added. “I do not believe it will do any good.” 

“Well, I'm glad about that. What about Sarek?” 

“I am not ready to speak to my father.” 

McCoy got a distinct impression that if he pushed that topic further, it would shut Spock own completely. “Would you see Jim?” 

“Maybe.” Was the most Spock would commit. 

“Uhura?” 

Spock considered it for longer before answering. “No. Not yet.”

“Relax. It's not like I'm about to go get anyone and drag them in to see you.”

“I think I would like to retire for the evening,” Spock stated. 

“Okay. I'm going to stay up a little later. I'll keep the noise down, don't worry.” 

Spock nodded distractedly and disappeared into one of the rooms. 

~

McCoy found a rolling news channel and left the TV on a moderate volume before heading into his own bedroom. 

Once inside he called Jim. The conversation was brief, just that he was with Spock and he'd explained the situation and for his part, Spock had seemed receptive to this information. 

“I'm not saying he's forgiven anyone,” McCoy clarified. “But he knows more than just a huge betrayal and being fed lies.”

“Is he okay?”

“He's alright. It's still a lot to take in but he seems to be doing fine.”

“Just keep an eye on him, won't you?” 

“Hey, I checked into a hotel room with him. I got this.” 

~

Spock spent some time alone considering the day's events. 

He had been somewhat grateful McCoy had been there for him earlier. He had been in shock and thinking clearly had not been easy. McCoy had taken him to a safe place and the discussion they had was insightful. 

Spock was curious about this event that had to take place- the one that had changed everything. He could not fathom something so horrific that he had become such a burden and a liability to his friends.  
He was so damaged that his own father had decided the best course of action was to wipe out everything that had happened? It frightened him to imagine such a scenario. 

He knew McCoy wanted him to see Jim and the others. To set things straight.  
But Spock knew he was not ready for that yet. 

Spock quietly left the hotel bedroom. The television was still on and the door to the other bedroom still ajar. McCoy was sprawled on the bed, sleeping. Taking the handwritten note and leaving it by the TV, Spock left the room. 

~

Spock looked at the key. 

Dolly's apartment door was in front of him and he turned the key in the lock and entered. He switched the light on. He wasn't sure why she had given him the key to the apartment exactly. The apartment was nicely decorated and well maintained although Spock noticed it was slightly dated. It had the same feel as his Mother's apartment and she had not lived in hers for years. 

He was at a loss to understand what made Dolly leave him a key until he reached what was the spare bedroom except in Dolly's apartment, it was more of an office and wasn't structured the same as the rest of the apartment. But what was more obvious was the content of this room.  
The whole room was like a shrine to Amanda. Pictures covered the wall, some framed. Yearbooks and newspaper articles covered the desk in the room.  
There was a handwritten book where she kept tabs on what Sarek and Spock were doing. 

But his eye was drawn to a bundle of books, a piece of paper with his name on it attached to the front. He picked them up and took one last look at the room, before exiting and heading back out. 

~

The books were a journal.

From when Dolly first met Amanda, all those years ago and their friendship together. It became apparent quickly that what was friendship between the pair soon changed into something more for Dolly. She confessed to growing feelings for Amanda but wanted to wait until exams were out of the way until they were free to be together, if that's what they wanted. 

In the end, she never told Amanda. Dolly's parents had a tragic accident and she had gone to be with them. She was away for months and when she returned, Amanda had moved on, a note left for Dolly.  
Dolly had told herself when Amanda came back, it would be the right time to tell her and of course, when she did return, she had met Sarek and fallen in love. 

Spock closed the book. He would read more but that was enough. He had somewhere else to be right now. 

~

McCoy was dismayed that Spock had gone when he had woke. 

He'd hoped, maybe foolishly, that Spock would have wanted to find out more, maybe build some bridges with Jim and Uhura.  
That had probably been him expecting a little too much from Spock right then. He was still in shock by whatever it was that he had witnessed and Kirk and McCoy's revelations about what he had been through were hardly going to help matters. 

He could understand that he needed some time. He just wished he knew more than the brief note Spock had left for him.  
Looking at the words neatly written once more, McCoy sighed. 

'Leonard, 

Thank you for your honesty and companionship. 

Please let Jim know I wish him a speedy recovery, Nyota that I hope she finds the happiness that she deserves. 

For you Doctor, I wish for a clean conscience in this whole situation.  
I believe your sincerity on the matter and that you and others had no choice but to go along with that which was already in motion.  
I shall speak to my Father at a later date. 

But I require some time to fully analyse all that I can of my memories, now that I have new information. 

Do not be concerned for me.  
I believe our paths will cross again. 

Spock.'

The End....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this slightly softer sequel to 'All that you can't leave behind'.   
> And I know the ending is kinda abrupt but I do plan a third part to truly end this story. I just might work on something else a little different first. :) 
> 
> Any unanswered questions?   
> Leave them in the comments and I'll make sure I address them in the next story. :) 
> 
> Also, my new story is going to be about something strange and unexplained happening to some of the crew while planetside. Anything you'd like to throw out for me to include, leave it in the comments and I'll see what I can do.


End file.
